


a handful of sugar pills

by grandmas_ghost (nap_princess)



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Angst, Bad Ending, F/M, I wrote this fic for me but y'all can read it if you want, Lisanna my Queen, Modern AU, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, marriage AU, plot over romance, this fic is more about loss than romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 15:30:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14855400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nap_princess/pseuds/grandmas_ghost
Summary: Being in love with him / It's hard to maintain their togetherness when he doesn't even care about himself / In my head I do everything right– Nali but also not really, bittersweet modern marriage AU, Lisanna-centric





	a handful of sugar pills

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Supercut](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/387872) by Lorde. 



** a handful of sugar pills **

* * *

Cause in my head, I do everything right,  
When you call I'll forgive and not fight,  
All the moments I play in the dark,  
Wild and fluorescent, come home to my heart.

– **Lorde** , _Supercut_

* * *

* * *

 Being in love with Natsu Dragneel was like getting fed sweet things. And the effect was a sugar rush of some sort that leaves you buzzing, full and achey. But having him being in love with someone else and accepting it was like swallowing pills down an already tight throat.

.

.

.

"Hi, honey." Lisanna says, welcoming her husband. She rubs her wet hands on her apron and greets the man before her. "Welcome home."

Her husband smiles back at her, tired eyes crinkling.

She gives him a kiss on the cheek as he shrugs off his blazer and takes off his shoes.

"I'm home, Lis." He says but, oh, what a lie that is. It's not home if his heart isn't in it.

* * *

"Honey?" Lisanna calls, snapping her husband out of his daze.

He lurches his head up, green eyes coming into focus. He runs a hand on the side of his face before tangling his pink fluff of hair. Lisanna knows where his head's been floating off too.

He tells her, "I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. What did you say?"

Lisanna offers a sad smile, pushing her food around her plate; the hot meal, the dinner she slaved away on. She's not all that hungry all of the sudden. She repeats herself, "I was just telling you how Evergreen is pregnant. She and Elfman-nii are going to have their second child."

"Oh," He says, not even bothering to fake an enthusiastic voice. "That's – That's ...?"

"Great?" Lisanna offers a word of suggestion.

"Yeah," He nods.

Lisanna doesn't keep quiet. She doesn't want this conversation to trail off. She asks him, "Don't you want to have a family too?"

There's a pause from him. A heaviness that blankets the small dining room. A square table, four chairs to fill, but sometimes not even half the amount fits the requirement.

Then he finally says, "Don't you think it's a little too early for us?"

Her bluebell eyes find themselves brimming with tears. She clears her throat, "No. We've been married for six years now."

And next month is their seventh anniversary.

(but, she guesses, after awhile, getting ignored and being second-best is something to get used to)

He stares down at his plate. "I'm sorry, Lisanna."

She wishes he didn't add her name in like that. It feels more personal when he inserts her into his words. She knows this isn't about them, it's about him and that other someone they always mention but never talk about.

* * *

They're in town, buying essentials for the house, acting like a normal married couple on the weekend. It's nothing special, just a normal day. They've treated themselves to a nice lunch, bought things that weren't on the grocery list then gotten distracted by other people and the busyness of everything.

In her left hand, Lisanna holds the groceries, and in her right, she holds her husband's hand – the feel of his cool, metallic wedding ring pressed against their intertwined fingers. She turns away from the street performance, some band trying to prove their worth, she says, "What do you want to do for your birthday?"

He blinks away from the band, green eyes gazing into her blue ones. He asks, "Wait, what? When's my birthday?"

She bites her lower lip at that. This is the fourth year he's forgotten. It seems like he's caring less and less about himself. Lisanna tells him, "It's next Tuesday."

"Ah," He juggles the grocery bag in his arm.

"Do you want to have a nice dinner with our friends?" Lisanna asks. The band playing blurs out the small waver in her voice. "I can bake a cake. Chocolate, if you want, your favourite." Lisanna offers, she's trying. She's _really_ trying to maintain their togetherness but it's hard when he doesn't even care about himself.

He hums in return, left hand tightening around hers as if he had forgotten that he was holding it. "... Maybe not."

"What do you want to do then?" Lisanna asks. A part of her wishes he'd say 'Spent time with you' but she knows he won't say that.

He merely shrugs, turning back to the live music performance. "Nothing. I don't want to do anything."

Her smile wobbles, "Okay."

* * *

Sundays are days spent relaxing. Nothing can pull them out of their laziness. Not dishes that needed washing or laundry that needed folding. Nothing. With the hum of the TV playing in the background and the spinning of the ceiling fan above them, Lisanna finds herself snuggling next to her husband who's asleep of the living room couch.

She lifts his arm and wraps it around her middle, it's a tight spot to fit into, the couch isn't all that big. He mutters in his sleep, slowly waking. And she responses by petting him lovingly, she's noticed how tired he's grown as the years have gone by.

"Honey," She calls.

He only snags a hand through her shoulder length white hair in return. Honestly, it would have been longer. She's tried growing it out but then decided against it when she knew it just wasn't her.

He mumbles, "L –"

Maybe this time he'll say her name.

"L – Luce?" He asks, voice groggy and far away. That nickname feels so old to someone no longer here.

Lisanna pretends her heart's not aching, she pretends she's not close to crying. She shifts on the cramped couch and she whispers, "No, honey, it's Lisanna."

His breath hitches, cracking open an eye. He's awake now. He calls her by her nickname now, "I'm sorry, Lis."

Lisanna lets out a low chuckle, it's almost bittersweet. She can't really say she's surprised. She says, "It's okay. I know you miss her, Natsu."

But what she doesn't add is, 'Sorry I can't be her.'

* * *

In the dark, under the covers, Lisanna touches her pale hand on Natsu's face. A strong jaw, tired muscle, tan skin. She anchors her hand down the curve of his cheek then back up, thumbing a scar under his eye. The same scar that came with that dreadful day of screeching tires, broken glass, an ambulance that was too late.

There are bruises under his eyes, knots in his shoulders, a lethargic energy around him. She knows he's not entirely happy with his job or this house or this marriage.

After all, he only married her because they made that promise to each other when they were kids. He took pity on her, and it all came biting him back when he realized it was too late. It's not that he didn't try to save their marriage. He really did, he was too stubborn to give up so easily. But after so many years, it was easy to see why he finally did.

"I'm sorry," Lisanna whispers to him as he sleeps. He's so tired of putting up this façade.

Lisanna was sure, if Lucy Heartfilia hadn't had died in that car accident, Natsu Dragneel would have been the happiest man alive. Married and devoted to the one that got away, not to some girl whom he had made a promise to when they were eight.

...

Being married to Natsu Dragneel was like swallowing a handful of sugar pills every day.

* * *

  **end**

**Author's Note:**

> – 11 March 2018


End file.
